she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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