i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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