Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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