Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
