I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
