Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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