Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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