I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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