my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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