he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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