20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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