great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.