so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.