i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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