that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
