He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
