i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
