My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just tell him i said nine months
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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