Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
