yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
