Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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