too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
