I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
