i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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