Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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