I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
