I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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