The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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