I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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