Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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