I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
