i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
