and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
