Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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