I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You left your phone here
Wait...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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