I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
