My room smells like vodka and shame
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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