i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
