Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
