I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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