Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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