She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
