During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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