That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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