god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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