I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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