So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
