my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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