If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh god it's open bar.
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