When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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