I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
