I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
