if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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