I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
