why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
