I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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