Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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