I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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