remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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