i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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