she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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