There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
